tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post1811024869452169322..comments2023-10-23T23:35:22.776+02:00Comments on Cross Words: Entry for the Rainy Day blogfestTed Crosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09022309459554237650noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-46894021175252671352010-08-31T18:32:26.086+02:002010-08-31T18:32:26.086+02:00Well, I'm finally wandering over to read your ...Well, I'm finally wandering over to read your entry. Work has kept me too busy during the day and too mentally drained at night, but I promised myself I'd surf entries during my lunch breaks this week. So, my apologies.<br /><br />I love the world you've created, and the characters. You've obviously thought things through very carefully and it makes the story feel very authentic.<br /><br />There is a ton of exposition here that could be cut out or shown through action or dialogue. But I'm sure others have already pointed that out. I know how hard it is to do, and to select what goes and stays, so I won't even try to make any suggestions.<br /><br />I will suggest that you not worry about commas or word repetition right now. Focus on content; the rest of the details can be fixed on the final draft. At least, that's been my approach. Why go through the hassle of editing whole passages that might not even make it to the final version?<br /><br />I do think some of the dialogue sounded a little too modern, somehow. Like a couple of yuppies in a bar. You might want to try to rephrase it a little. I often have to do the same thing.<br /><br />Terrific entry, overall. Thanks for participating!Nighfalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01745824744507928211noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-40920532196800211282010-08-29T13:28:55.706+02:002010-08-29T13:28:55.706+02:00Great rainy setting. The first paragraph really de...Great rainy setting. The first paragraph really depicted how bad the rain was--dead mules discarded by the road! Ew! Great entry!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-30753477013865392272010-08-29T09:53:05.534+02:002010-08-29T09:53:05.534+02:00I appreciate the clarifications, Wendy. I do know ...I appreciate the clarifications, Wendy. I do know that one of my common weaknesses is the re-use of words, and fortunately my crit group is very good at pointing them out to me (we just haven't reached these middle chapters yet). I think we all have some blind spots like these. <br /><br />You are right that each person's stylistic comma use will work for some and not for others. Many people love Cormac McCarthy's style, for instance, while it drives me up the wall. I have always intended to do a complete run-through of the manuscript at some point looking specifically for language flow, but so far my editing has kept me busy with more visible issues. I'll get there eventually.Ted Crosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09022309459554237650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-82922454992475577452010-08-28T19:20:09.136+02:002010-08-28T19:20:09.136+02:00Hi Ted: I know you're probably sick of hearin...Hi Ted: I know you're probably sick of hearing from me, but it bothers me when people think I've said something I haven't. So, here goes.<br /><br />This is in answer to the last post you left on my blog. I have re-read your piece and I have re-read my comments. I tried really hard to pick out what it was that prompted my comments. By punctuation I actually mean "commas". And truth be told, you're not missing many, just a few early on so that my brain has to think harder than "I" like when "I" read. Notice that I am stressing "I". Don't forget, there are people who pick up John Grisham and say they love, love it. Others pick it up and go "I just blew ten bucks". Now, as to grammar - what I really pick out is sentense/paragraph structure and, style aside, "my" brain wants to start at the beginning of the paragraph and "sail" through to the end. The two things keeping me from "sailing" on your "cadence" are; the sometimes jerky feel (and not that often) to your sentenses. (explanation is in my very first comment). Aso, something I couldn't quite put my finger on it the first time I read it - the use of the same word two and three times in the same paragraph (see p 3) during your descriptions. I think that is probably the thing that most prompted my comment about it feeling like an outline. You get me into the flow and then when you use the same word again so quickly I feel as though I'm re-reading the wrong sentence. It just all boils down to "flow" and not being jarred out of the story. Most importantly - a dozen other people may not notice this or even think it matters. This is simply the way "my" brain works. I guess that's why some of us love a book and some of us will hate the same book. It is clear that you have other strengths ie: superior world building skills as well as the ability to know what to do with plotting (you have no idea how many writers suffer on that account) so if you just have a few "mechanics" issues, you are well ahead of the game. <br /><br />-Best wishes.Wendy Tyler Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10841984342368861282noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-37410518702003141752010-08-26T15:45:12.110+02:002010-08-26T15:45:12.110+02:00Umm I don't see why you couldn't do that T...Umm I don't see why you couldn't do that Ted. You might have to split some chapters up a bit, but yours are short enough that it could work ... I totally understand where you're coming from because in our crit group ... well I would like to think my feedback is good, but it means so much more when you can hear from this many people ...Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-40616096801087130912010-08-26T05:54:39.015+02:002010-08-26T05:54:39.015+02:00It's amazing how just a few notes from people ...It's amazing how just a few notes from people here and there can make one take a fresh look at a piece. I wish I could do this chapter by chapter through my book, but I couldn't torture you all like that!Ted Crosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09022309459554237650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-52827336339926514992010-08-26T00:05:56.232+02:002010-08-26T00:05:56.232+02:00I love how the weather fits the mood of the scene....I love how the weather fits the mood of the scene. Brilliant piece. The dialogue feels natural. Love how the last line has so much weight to it. Great job. :)Amanda Borenstadthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03061109442550378113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-57041766294787494902010-08-25T22:10:30.397+02:002010-08-25T22:10:30.397+02:00I liked the realism in this, and the concept. The...I liked the realism in this, and the concept. The beginning paragraphs were very "tell-y", i thought and one of my first thoughts was, "This is a little choppy. Some of the 'clarifying mini-sentences' should be consolidated." Otherwise, a great piece!Tyffani Clarkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12995378511468929618noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-53428716853672682612010-08-25T22:07:08.382+02:002010-08-25T22:07:08.382+02:00Dude! You have to get this published.Dude! You have to get this published.Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-80789796577632728012010-08-25T19:45:41.367+02:002010-08-25T19:45:41.367+02:00Toilken also used the elements, directions, and la...Toilken also used the elements, directions, and landscape as metaphors to the danger, character, and wisdom of particular parts of his LORD OF THE RINGS.<br /><br />RaShelle is right. Forward movement is important in not losing the reader's focus and interest. A little trimming and this piece will go from great to excellent.Roland D. Yeomanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00338410857990551352noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-6516184683600833532010-08-25T19:23:05.801+02:002010-08-25T19:23:05.801+02:00Fantasy isn't really my area, but I thought th...Fantasy isn't really my area, but I thought there was some good work here, and plenty to build on.Franklin Beaumonthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17950277803662347842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-8823582234062499852010-08-25T18:57:09.125+02:002010-08-25T18:57:09.125+02:00Hi Ted - I don't have a lot of experience in f...Hi Ted - I don't have a lot of experience in fantasy, especially not the darker type. Mine is more Terry Brooks - The Shannara Series. <br /><br />I did want to try and be helpful though because I know how frustrating it can be - to want help and not get it. I pulled out a Shannara book I had and then looked on amazon.com at his first book - The Sword of Shannara. You can read the first several pages there. The thing ABOUT fantasy is all of the description and the world building, but you have to be careful WHERE you put it. Right?<br /><br />What I would recommend is forward motion. Any good story must have that. Using words that, even if the characters have to be in one place a while, still move the story. <br /><br />This piece starts out with motion - words like "march" - but they quickly turn to "stuck" and "huddled". <br /><br />And yes, for the purposes of the rainy day blogfest we wanted to know about rain. I agree also that it's good to use all senses (I struggle with that sometimes too.) But keep the story moving forward. Really, all this piece needs is a faster pace. Knowing where to add description and where to cut. The pace slowed down, but you're very good at description. And, in fantasy, description is even more necessary than other genres.RaShelle Workmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17582252557500502186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-62180323996954788032010-08-25T17:36:54.852+02:002010-08-25T17:36:54.852+02:00Thanks so much, everyone. I have already edited a ...Thanks so much, everyone. I have already edited a lot of things that you have suggested, and I will do more. <br /><br />Matt, since I tend to not do too much description, I have always intended to do a full run through the book and find places to flesh it out a bit. I also want to look for spots to be a tad more lyrical, though without overdoing it.Ted Crosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09022309459554237650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-68001873347788247682010-08-25T17:23:25.103+02:002010-08-25T17:23:25.103+02:00I can see your scene in all its rainy damp darknes...I can see your scene in all its rainy damp darkness. I love a good off to war sludge through the mud scene and you wrote just that.<br /><br />I also like how you describe your MC as someone at the bottom of the heap. I want to know more about him, root for him and see if he can make it to the top of the heap. <br /><br />I agree about reading ones work aloud. It has worked well for me when I get a bit wordy. I find extra sentences and words melt away for a cleaner read.<br /><br />And I caught 'groan' and 'grumble' often. May want to mix in anther word?<br /><br />I am still a bit uneasy critiquing others works, since I am so much a grammar nightmare myself, but I hope it helps.Nicole Murrayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09605448429334684845noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-37945122888491240252010-08-25T17:07:39.929+02:002010-08-25T17:07:39.929+02:00I liked it, too. Any grammatical errors will vanis...I liked it, too. Any grammatical errors will vanish with editing, and other than that, it's a good bit of story. The only place where you might reconsider the sentence structuring is the first paragraph, if you ask me...<br /><br /> I do agree with stu on the grumpier tone bit. I like gritty fantasy (I'm thinking Brian Ruckley's Godless World, here). Matthew Rush also has a point on the description, but that could just be your style in which case it shouldn't be a problem - would have to read a longer bit to be able to tell. <br /><br />Two things that got to me: One, the name MIDAS. It has way too many stories associated to it in my head to let me read this story without preconceived notions in my head. Unless you say at some point that he was named for King Midas or something like that. Two, Midas groans a bit too much. Use different words, or let him yawn, or wearily comb a hand through his hair, or rub his eyes in exasperation or something. <br /><br />Tessa.xxAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11046724975658216337noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-72169706434478889002010-08-25T17:04:07.337+02:002010-08-25T17:04:07.337+02:00I really like the fact that you provided a questio...I really like the fact that you provided a question in it to make us keep reading. great work there at the end, I would have turned the page just to see if they would find Ord.<br /> In the 3rd paragraph you mentioned tent 3 times, you have alot of the word "tent" through out, maybe try another word, like sleeping space, or something...<br />my favorite line: "if it was the moon this was the first time in his life that he was happy to see it."Summer Rosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08122694893668693244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-65187307119830294482010-08-25T16:54:58.770+02:002010-08-25T16:54:58.770+02:00I can't offer proper critique here because thi...I can't offer proper critique here because this format is all wrong for me, but I will say that I like this bit. It is a lot like most of the writing in The Shard, great characterization, great symbolism, and especially good dialogue. I do find it lacking a little description though, especially sensory description other than the visual kind.<br /><br />I mean how does the rain smell as it mingles with the saturated earth? How does it feel as it splatters against Midas' upturned face? That kind of thing.<br /><br />I don't mind the voice/writing/sentence structure bit because although it feels a bit formal at times, I also think it fits your story, plus I'm used to it.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-17135924492374617372010-08-25T16:31:33.193+02:002010-08-25T16:31:33.193+02:00I enjoyed this piece. I do agree there are parts o...I enjoyed this piece. I do agree there are parts of it that need to be tightened up. I definitely could sense the drudgery of their situation. Thanks for sharing!Brenda Drakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01263237745979525170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-45071579941029588112010-08-25T16:16:06.206+02:002010-08-25T16:16:06.206+02:00Love the mood and setting, and especially love the...Love the mood and setting, and especially love the straight-forward sentence structure without a bunch of BS-iness. You don't sound like you're trying too hard, is what I mean to say. You're just telling the story in the clearest way possible.<br /><br />I'm willing to be good money, though, that if/when you find a publisher for this story, the editor make you change the name Midas, as it's too famous. That's no big deal at this point, but I'd change it on submittal.<br /><br />I love the premise -- a low noble who is barely considered a noble. Right there you hooked me, because don't we all love the underdog!<br /><br /> - EricEric W. Tranthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13842968931062056407noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-69969591632577041762010-08-25T15:40:04.532+02:002010-08-25T15:40:04.532+02:00I could really feel how downtrodden Midas was. You...I could really feel how downtrodden Midas was. You have some good stuff here! And I think you received some good avice up there.<br />Keep up the good work!Lydia Kanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00484415427764822386noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-28354655928231763782010-08-25T15:25:55.225+02:002010-08-25T15:25:55.225+02:00I agree with aspiring_x, I skipped most of the beg...I agree with aspiring_x, I skipped most of the beginning and came down to the "interesting" bits down later...I would love to read the whole story tho...with a few rounds of editing, this would be very interesting material indeed!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04283371140346602856noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-17686387184964143862010-08-25T14:22:44.350+02:002010-08-25T14:22:44.350+02:00Thanks, Victoria. I have been thinking of trimming...Thanks, Victoria. I have been thinking of trimming away some of the exposition in the beginning here, as I don't think it is all necessary, so your feeling kind of reinforces my own!Ted Crosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09022309459554237650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-85663147874640586232010-08-25T14:17:12.505+02:002010-08-25T14:17:12.505+02:00no suggestions this time!
but i'll give an op...no suggestions this time! <br />but i'll give an opinion...<br />the beginning was kinda slow to me (but i'm kinda ADD anyway) but when Midas turns his face up to the rain, and says he's too old for this, and sees the RED MOON (hooray red moon!! so cool and creepy!!) everything really picks up. the conversation is hilarious and natural. <br />GREAT SCENE!vic caswell https://www.blogger.com/profile/01218698236837610704noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-74726146653715308862010-08-25T13:37:08.882+02:002010-08-25T13:37:08.882+02:00I like how the "no shields" part illustr...I like how the "no shields" part illustrates how demoralized the camp's become. In this genre, treason is taken very seriously, if you'd said "..just short of treason," the seed would be planted while showing the gravity of it. I'm hoping for suggestions too, so have at it!Will Burkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10158149526658590324noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-71522889666547120152010-08-25T13:33:21.621+02:002010-08-25T13:33:21.621+02:00The prince must have been doing things wrong for a...The prince must have been doing things wrong for a long time since the world is flooded!<br /><br />Like Stu, I absolutely love the real-world feel. They don't have happy marriages, they aren't great parents; it's so different from the normal perfect fantasy.<br /><br />I want to know why they hate the little red moon.<br /><br />I think there are places you could consolidate like Wendy said. Cut cut cut and you'll have a polished piece.Amie McCrackenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10183468581148360197noreply@blogger.com