tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post6942761230276436085..comments2023-10-23T23:35:22.776+02:00Comments on Cross Words: Entry for the Weather BlogfestTed Crosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09022309459554237650noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-39846021291186935902010-08-17T05:58:23.027+02:002010-08-17T05:58:23.027+02:00I'm keeping track of all suggestions so I can ...I'm keeping track of all suggestions so I can go through the chapter and tweak it.Ted Crosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09022309459554237650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-33152266356137077492010-08-17T00:02:39.175+02:002010-08-17T00:02:39.175+02:00ted,
wow! very exciting!
my suggestions:
"...ted,<br /><br />wow! very exciting!<br /><br />my suggestions:<br /><br />"Sleep came slowly under these miserable conditions, and to make matters worse Geldrath felt his throat beginning to hurt and his nose run. That’s just what I need--bruised ribs, no sleep, soaked clothing, and then a sickness to boot!" --- awkward term "his nose run" and "a sickness" could be just "sickness" or a synonym<br /><br />"He lay back in the blankets, cold, wet, and sick, but happy that the rain had stopped at last. A distant yet loud crash of thunder shook the wagon, and the mules cried out. He fell asleep to the rumbling snores of Barmin and Valgorn." --- to me, it's counter-intuitive that one second there's thunder and the mules cry out, and the next the hero falls asleep... perhaps a slower transition to sleep?<br /><br />enjoy! --- garyGaryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04923174930108092081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-65215607966441308582010-08-16T22:13:07.089+02:002010-08-16T22:13:07.089+02:00Very good. I wouldn't say so if it wasn't....Very good. I wouldn't say so if it wasn't. I use weather in my books. Really helps the setting and the mood. Its not enough to say its raining, but how does the character feel about being slapped in the face with freezing rain.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.stephentremp.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">Stephen Tremp</a>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-26670617297499418072010-08-15T21:15:36.526+02:002010-08-15T21:15:36.526+02:00great snippet! i love the world you're creati...great snippet! i love the world you're creating (i sent you some crit via e-mail)vic caswell https://www.blogger.com/profile/01218698236837610704noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-88574973794174770202010-08-15T14:11:16.272+02:002010-08-15T14:11:16.272+02:00This reminds me a lot of Terry Brooks. You have re...This reminds me a lot of Terry Brooks. You have really hit the nail on the head as far as voice and tone. I'm quite impressed!<br /><br />I felt like I was right there in the mud with him. One of the reasons I am a writer and not a soldier. Along with my complete lack of co-ordination. ;o)Nighfalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01745824744507928211noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-35717488278488446342010-08-15T13:39:16.676+02:002010-08-15T13:39:16.676+02:00Hey Ted, very enjoyable for someone who isn't ...Hey Ted, very enjoyable for someone who isn't into fantasy that much. Good descriptions of rain. Youve had some great critique. Looking forward to reading more from you..:)Denise Covey https://www.blogger.com/profile/07106490051555233439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-65724149919931503802010-08-15T12:20:46.698+02:002010-08-15T12:20:46.698+02:00You are awesome! I have reread these chapters so m...You are awesome! I have reread these chapters so many times, yet you have found things that seem obvious once you point them out!Ted Crosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09022309459554237650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-88775253663645298612010-08-15T10:48:14.218+02:002010-08-15T10:48:14.218+02:00Hi Ted. Loved the scene, and I think the rain help...Hi Ted. Loved the scene, and I think the rain helps set it nicely. Nothing like cold, wet travels as a backdrop to impending illness and military maneuvering.<br /><br />I do have a couple of small comments (if you want them; if not, please ignore). In paragraph 3, you can end the first sentence with "flooded". Too much water is a given if the fields are flooding.<br /><br />In para. 5, "Geldrath had risen out of the mud, SHAKEN the water out of his eyes..." This maintains the tense.<br /><br />Looking forward to reading more in the Rainy Day blogfest.Alison Pearce Stevenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00955543150406880055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-77835337361192403962010-08-15T08:42:52.973+02:002010-08-15T08:42:52.973+02:00I've got a head cold interfering with me tonig...I've got a head cold interfering with me tonight; so this may not sound right.<br /><br />I like how you used the weather in this scene to build the culture as well as the surroundings. You did well with the third person POV. Its emotive, give a strong sense of who Geldrath is and how he thinks.<br /><br />But in the paragraph that begins "They appeared.." I think you could pull back a little into omni while Geldrath is describing the approach, and the possible places a force that size could have come from. Make it less personal to Geldrath himself, and give the reader a wider view of the world. And break up the narrative into at least two paragraphs. <br /><br />The description of the soldiers, the lateness of the hour, and all the possible places or Nobles they could come from feels like an import aspect of your world building. If I were critiquing the novel, I'd probably want more detail in this scene rather than less. <br /><br />However, depending on how far this scene is into the work, you may have already developed the boundaries of the world, and Geldrath's place in the heirarcy.<br /><br />The other thing that throws me off is the use of past tense, especially while he is talking about the nightly lessons by Gorm. The sequence is written as a flashback, but maybe if you break it up - the narrative and dialogue - and focus on only one lesson, I think you could still convey what the nightly routine is. Perhaps using his developing illness as well as the damp air in the explanation for his off night.<br /><br />Essentially though, you met your plot goal of hinting at military manuevers and setting up his illness. The weather enhances the scene. I don't think it'd be as effective without the rumblings of rain.<br /><br />As I mentioned earlier; I'm a bit off my game myself tonight, so this may not have come out like I hoped. My apologies if its too blunt or rude.<br /><br />.......dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-70007777168496223102010-08-14T22:56:33.729+02:002010-08-14T22:56:33.729+02:00I really enjoyed reading your depictions of rain. ...I really enjoyed reading your depictions of rain. So far this seems like a great story!<br /><br />As for any changes, I agree with what's been suggested already. :]<br /><br />Keep on writing!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-4810428706272506262010-08-14T16:58:30.861+02:002010-08-14T16:58:30.861+02:00Ted, Hey there, I'm only reading this time aro...Ted, Hey there, I'm only reading this time around, but I love your descriptions. You wanted some feedback so here's what I found for you:<br /><br />"though the strength and experience of the dwarf always TOLD in the long run." should it be "showed" instead of told, it makes more sense that way?<br /><br />"Geldrath felt his throat BEGINNING to hurt and his nose run." the caps word seems to passive. alot of your sentences are firm in the fact that "it happened" but this sentence could be tightened if you take out what is passive and rewrite it more committed. ex:" His nose ran, his throat stung..." just an idea to go with.<br /><br />My favorite line: "and Geldrath was glad since he’d never liked the tiny red moon."Summer Rosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08122694893668693244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-60372596600658175532010-08-14T11:08:37.142+02:002010-08-14T11:08:37.142+02:00Hi Ted,
Loved this piece, and as far as Fantasy g...Hi Ted,<br /><br />Loved this piece, and as far as Fantasy goes it's not my genre so I tend to plead ignorance on such matters as unusual characters and places. That said, my reading tastes are eclectic at best and "some stories" outside of the norm of lure draw my eye and I will investigate further: I would read more of this if it was there in front of me!<br /><br />I hate making suggestions, but:<br />Paragraph 4<br />Line 3 end of dialogue follow-up: . . . When Geldreth complained. When Geldreth gave.<br /><br />The second sentence grates after first in repeat word usage. <br /><br />Vital in respect of context, I know, but why not alter to say . . . <br /><br />Geldreth was prone to half-hearted effort, the result sharp crack to ribs from Gorm's stave along with curse or worse: lecture. <br /><br />Words to that effect say, because you're talking past tense here so scope to rearrange name placement.<br /><br />Just a thought, and running like hell for cover! ;)<br />best<br />FFrancine Howarthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02326542867876257042noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-53614745062421694472010-08-14T08:36:27.631+02:002010-08-14T08:36:27.631+02:00Thank you, bru! That's just the kind of thing ...Thank you, bru! That's just the kind of thing I need to hear, as these errors can be hard to spot for the writer.Ted Crosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09022309459554237650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-60296795695718607842010-08-14T08:23:24.080+02:002010-08-14T08:23:24.080+02:00ugh sorry by 'the word' I meant 'rains...ugh sorry by 'the word' I meant 'rains' or 'rain'. So past my bedtime here in the EST! Sorry for any confusion.<br /><br />bruFebruary Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01078037856070486022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319453613836766610.post-43744842850662314312010-08-14T08:22:27.222+02:002010-08-14T08:22:27.222+02:00Hi Ted!
A wonderful passage. You know fantasy isn...Hi Ted!<br /><br />A wonderful passage. You know fantasy isn't a genre I tend to read, but I like the atmosphere you create for your characters here- it's very easy to follow and you care about what happens to them.<br /><br />Since you asked- the only thing that really jumped out at me was the use of 'rains' three times in the opening paragraph. The word is used at least seven (I think I counted seven...) times in the scene overall but three times that closely you really notice it. Of course if that is part of the voice you're trying to portray for the character then I might just not be getting it because I haven't read the whole thing and sometimes these nuances get lost in small snippets (happens with my stuff I know).<br /><br />Aside from that I found the language to be lovely, lyrical, and it held my attention. Usually, for fantasy, that's a very difficult thing. Great work!<br /><br />bruFebruary Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01078037856070486022noreply@blogger.com