Wednesday, October 14, 2009

First Paragraphs

Nathan Bransford put up a contest to see who can write the best first paragraph - Of course it is subjective, but there are so many good entries already that it will be interesting to see what he picks. I know mine won't be chosen, because fantasy is not one of Nathan's areas of interest, but I posted anyway.

I had to cheat a little. First, the paragraph that used to be my first paragraph is a little too short, so I combined it with the second to add a little meat to it. Second, well, it isn't truly my first paragraph; I have a prologue. However, so many people hate prologues that I don't mind simply not counting it in this case.

I guess I should go ahead and post my first chapter here: (Hmm, I tried to put indentations on the paragraphs, but they didn't take upon publishing)


Midas had never heard of elves killing men before. He slumped in his saddle, staring at the bodies scattered near the forest edge. Crows hopped about just out of kicking range, cawing at the interruption of their meal. The horses stamped their hooves and flicked their tails at flies. The smell of corruption was still mild.

“I don’t recognize any of these men,” Midas murmured. He should recognize them; he knew the people on his lands. These men hadn’t just been passing through. Three axes lay near the corpses, and two of the trees showed chop marks. Red sap flowed over the silver bark from the cuts, making the trees look as if they bled.

Laithtaris -- called the Elf Wood by men -- bordered the tiny province of Welby. It was home to the elven folk -- their only remaining home since the race of man had come to the Known Lands more than two thousand years ago. A treaty was signed at the time promising these woods to the elves, to be untouched by man for all time. Midas had rarely heard of any encroachment of the forest; if it happened it was usually an accident and elven rangers would politely but firmly let the offenders know that they must leave immediately.

Three bodies were near the trees and two more lay in the brown grass and weeds a few yards away. Each of them had a single silver-fletched arrow jutting from their chest or back. They were elven arrows. No man could make arrows so perfect.

Midas shifted his gaze to the woods. Silverbark trees towered into the sky, their canopies forming a ceiling over the tangled shrubs and dead leaves below. The edge of the forest was thin and the summer light shone down in beams to the forest floor, but there was no sign of elves. That was nothing unusual; Midas had never seen an elf in all of his thirty-eight years. There could be dozens of them staring at us right now and we’d never see them.

He twisted in the saddle to speak to Fridrik. “Bring a wagon from the village. Post a guard on these bodies until they can be loaded up and brought to Welby. Something's happening and I want to find out what it is.”

“Yes, milord,” the squire said. He detailed two men to guard the bodies, picked out two more as escorts, and rode off toward the hamlet they’d passed on the way here.

Midas sighed and glanced at Sir Brindor, who was gazing blankly into space as usual. Amidst the stubble of his gray hair, the crater in Brindor’s head was clearly visible. A few years ago, Sir Brindor had taken part in a tournament melee, during which his helm had been knocked from his head and a mace had bashed in the side of his skull. Healers had given him up for dead, but Brindor slumbered in a coma for three weeks and then woke up. He wasn’t the same man -- his speech was slurred and he had little memory of his previous life -- but he remained a ferocious fighter and devoted to his liege lord.

“Brin!” Midas said. Sir Brindor swayed on his mare, but then his eyes focused and he turned to Midas. “Brin,” Midas repeated. “That dwarf merchant who sold you the elven dagger, where can I find him?”

Brindor’s mouth worked silently for a bit and his face took on the confused look it always did when he was required to remember how to speak. “Iskimir,” he finally managed. “Sh- shhhop in Iskimir.”

Midas nodded to Brin and bent to examine the closest corpse. The man was filthy and wore ragged clothing. He looked like the beggars or thieves one might find in any of the big cities.

“How could they think to get away with this, Voor? Even desperate men…”

“I don’t know, milord,” Voor said.

“Someone paid them to do this.”

Voor nodded.

“Have Dalthis and two guards ride to Iskimir. I want them to find the dwarf merchant who sells elven goods. I want to know how he gets his goods; how he makes contact with the elves. Make sure Dalthis takes enough coin to persuade the dwarf. If he won’t speak to Dalthis, see if he’ll come to Welby and talk to me.”

“Yes, milord.”

Dust rose in clouds as the group cantered over the dry field. Even in the light of day the small red moon was visible just above the horizon -- an evil omen if there ever was one. Why would someone want to provoke the elves?

1 comment:

  1. WOWEEEEEE! Ted, I'm very impressed! ENJOY! --- Gary

    P.S. As all Soviet-borns think they're geniuses, here's my advice: 1. rephrase "... and I want to find out what it is” as it just doesn't roll off the tongue easily/doesn't read effortlessly ("find out what it is" has too many t's, or too many short syllables, perhaps); 2. "..., but there was no sign of elves" comes too abruptly. I suggest for emphasis and easier reading either starting a new sentence: "But there was no sign of elves." or possibly, simply "There was no sign of elves."

    P.S.S. Now you have a bestseller on your hands.