ABNA Fail

First of all, congratulations to my blogger friend Hart Johnson for making the second round cut in the YA category!

I was a little proud to make it through the first cut of the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Awards, even if I pretty much knew I should given that my query had worked on several really great agents. That cut was just the pitch alone. The second round had two reviewers look at an excerpt of the beginning of the novel, which for me was the prologue and two chapters.

Looking through the ABNA forum, there appears to have been a pretty severe problem with one of the reviewers this year, as some writers received reviews that are simply unacceptable. Some wrote to ABNA and received apologies. I'm not sure if I got one of those reviewers, but I do feel that I got at least slightly shafted. Here are my two reviews:

Review 1:
What is the strongest aspect of this excerpt?

I liked the character of Midas a lot. Midas is a more interesting and conflicted warrior/leader then (sic) many that I have read about in the past. The background we get on him is satisfying. The loss of his eldest son, Miros, during a troll-hunt has shattered his spirit. He has two remaining son's left to raise with his withdrawn and sullen wife Rina, who only wants to go back to her homeland to be with her family. She seems to have retreated into herself since her son's death almost more then her husband. Midas was the best part of the story because you could feel the stress of ruling over his land taking a toll on him since his son's death. It was played out very realistically for a fantasy genre entry.

I like this because it shows she really got what I was after with Midas and his wife.

I liked the mystery surrounding the elven arrows and the slain peasants outside the bordering Laithtaris (the Elven wood) which is a protected area of woods specifically preserved for the Elves. Why were the men found dead with elven arrows imbedded in them?

The author crafted enough mystery and suspense to keep us on edge and to get us reading more. I really enjoyed this entry.

What aspect needs the most work?

I wish there had been just a bit more female perspective in the novel. The only female character we are given a glimpse into was Rina and she is a saddened, lifeless character. She felt a little wooden to me and I couldn't quite wrap my head around her. I don't like when fantasy plays into the atypical stereotype of making a female character a damsal in distress of a mindless side-character who has no true role in the action and that is what I felt from Rina. I wanted more feminine energy in the story, as strange as that sounds. There was a lot of masculinity to the story with the fighting and Midas and his son's activities. The wizard Xax's character could have been made into a Sorceress to add some estrogen to the tale and I would have liked it a bit more. I am being nitpicky though!

Not too bad, except that this was just the prologue and two small chapters. I do have a very strong female character in the book, but she comes in a few chapters later. Also, Rina may seem wooden, but to me that is a realistic portrayal of a woman devestated by the loss of her first-born child. Also, my book is mainly a masculine story, given that it is a medieval war story and the truth of medieval war is that it is primarily a masculine pursuit. However, the strong female lead that I use is the best warrior in the book and is the one who slays the dragon. I have a nice chapter where there is a conversation between the typically medieval female Rina and the warrior elf Alvanaria, which gives me a great chance to highlight the differences between the two races' expectations for women.

What is your overall opinion of this excerpt?

I really enjoyed this fantasy entry. I haven't read a lot of fantasy lately that has compelled me and kept me intrigued enough to keep reading. This was definitely a keeper. I would have kept reading well into the night with this one. I liked the author's way with words and how he started out of the gates with something as unexpected as the death of a young boy. I was NOT expecting young Miros to be killed by that troll and I found that very, very gripping and shocking. It was a nice jolt to the system.

I felt like the segment with Xax and his magical communication with the kestrel was a bit strange but it only made me want to learn more about him. Does he have something to do with the elven arrows that were found in the murdered peasants? Is he good or evil? I couldn't quite tell but I liked that there was a mystery surrounding him. I really wanted to read more and see where the characters went in this tale. I really enjoyed it.

This is nice. The chapter with Xax is purposely kept very short and mysterious, because that is what is needed with him at this point. When he returns to the story, much is made clear.

ABNA Expert Reviewer It's too bad that it is the 'Expert' reviewer that seems to me to fall short...

What is the strongest aspect of this excerpt?

Assuming Miros isn't really dead, "killing" him off at the beginning is quite a compelling hook. The writing is smooth.

I can't tell if the person read my excerpt or not. If he had read it all, he would already know that Miros is certainly dead.

What aspect needs the most work?

The pacing jumps around too much. First we're with Miros. He dies. Then we're with Xax in the wood, not having a clue what's going on, then we're with Midas and his sons, then his wife in a family crisis, then another crisis.

I get the feeling from this complaint that this person much prefers stories with a straightforward single POV plotline. Perhaps he doesn't like the very successful books that use many POV threads, such as George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series? Martin uses dozens of POV characters, while I use only four. Is four really too many?

Oh, and again, did the guy just skim? He says Xax is in a wood, when the text makes it very clear that he is on a flat grassy plain.

What is your overall opinion of this excerpt?

It is well-written and there are the stirrings of a plot, but it is hard to tell the trajectory (and therefore the strength) of the book from the excerpt.

This really bothers me. My book is an epic fantasy. It has around a hundred chapters and is 140,000 words long. He saw a short prologue and a short chapter followed by one meaty chapter. I don't believe I am doing my job properly with my plot if you can tell what it is all about already at this point. I give loads of hints and clues and mysteries. I don't get the feeling that this reviewer took his job seriously enough.