I took the suggestion of some of yesterdays commenters and tried to write an intro paragraph to bring out more about the summer season in Moscow where the poplar seeds fly like snow all over the city. I look at what I came up with and it feels strange, unnatural, as if I'm faking it somehow. I wonder if some of my more literary inclined readers might look at what I am trying to convey and see some clearly better means of expressing it?
I want to introduce the character Zoya, who normally loves the poplar seed season, but she's been forced to come to a part of the city that frightens her. This is my awkward attempt:
Poplar seeds floated on the summer breeze, as they did each summer in Moscow, a reminder that winter would come again before too long. Zoya loved strolling through the flurries, watching the white drifts pile up along the curbs and in the gutters, her thrill dampened only by having to visit this abandoned part of the city.
She stepped carefully over broken sections of concrete. Trash and glass littered the yellowed grass and weeds that lined the sidewalk. A sound from the building to her right brought her to a halt. A crash of metal followed by a yelp. A wild dog, she thought. Perhaps a pack. Why did I let Georgy talk me into this?
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Um, I don't see anything awkward about these paras...I can picture the flurries very well indeed.
ReplyDeleteIf it were me, I'd leave most of it alone, other than some (very) minor changes, none of them related to the description, but more to make the sentences more active and direct:
Billions of fluffy poplar seeds floated on the summer breeze, as they did each summer in Moscow, a reminder that winter would come again before too long. Zoya loved strolling through the flurries, watching the white drifts pile up along the curbs and in the gutters, her thrill dampened only by having to visit this abandoned part of the city.
She stepped carefully over broken sections of concrete. Trash and glass littered the yellowed grass and weeds that lined the sidewalk. A sound from the building to her right brought her to a halt. A crash of metal followed by a yelp. A wild dog, perhaps a pack. Why did I let Georgy talk me into this?
It's funny, Damyanti, but that second change you suggest was one I actually typed in (or rather, I deleted the 'There was' just as you did), but I have trouble getting used to using incomplete sentences, even though I know many authors do!
ReplyDeleteI like the new version, I like Damyanti's suggestions, cut 'like' and 'there was'. Sounds good Ted.
ReplyDeleteYes, I think I like it better that way, too, Anne.
ReplyDeleteTed, I know what you mean.
ReplyDeleteI never did incomplete sentences much, but now I do, sometimes, when the situation calls for it.
I find short, staccato, incomplete sentences do a great job of premonition and ratcheting up the tension, and that actives work better than passives in most cases :)
But each of us has a different style, which is what makes us so unique!
All the best with your writing :D
Thanks, Damyanit, and I wish the same to you!
ReplyDeleteI like it! And don't worry, I'll never be a descriptive writer either.
ReplyDeleteI love it! This part: "like a reminder that winter would come again before too long" is particularly invocative. That creates such a great mood.
ReplyDeleteI liked both versions, really. *I* would probably cut "Billions of fluffy" because I don't think you need it. But you also probably don't need my opinion on it. :)
ReplyDeletelooks good to me. I think taking the like out makes it flow a bit better, but both work.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how each person's taste differs. I can look at it with each suggestion and see the reason behind it, and it just confuses me more! Which way is best? Too bad the text can't change to fit the taste of whichever reader is reading it!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds lovely. I'm a visual person, and I can picture this scene perfectly. You should just go with what feels natural for you.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's anything wrong with it. In fact, I liked that I got a sense of how the character was feeling about the surroundings, which is one of those things I'm always harping on about, descriptions that do more than just tell the reader what a place/person/thing looks like.
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