Here is my first attempt:
A dying king. A mysterious invader. The seer's vision was clear—find the lost shard from the Spire of Peace or the realm would drown in blood. The problem—eight hundred years ago the elven hero Kathkalan took the shard with him into the lair of the most vicious dragon ever known to mankind...and he never returned.
Fate draws together a most unlikely group of heroes: a minor noble who, after losing his heir in a tragic accident, is desperate to protect his two remaining sons; a pair of elderly rangers who are the first to learn of the deadly invaders sweeping toward the Known Lands; a tinker's son heading to East Gate to serve his two years of duty protecting the realm; an ancient elf warrior out to learn what happened to her lover Kathkalan; and three dwarves on a secret mission to reclaim their lost homeland. Each must overcome impossible odds if they are to find the lost shard and save the realm.
Honestly I can't judge it. The more I read it the more fault I find in it, yet each time I try to rewrite it I feel that I'm only making it worse! If you are a reader of epic fantasy and are not part of the group that thinks elves and dwarves and such are overdone, would such a blurb interest you? Thanks in advance for any suggestions.
Can the second paragraph work better like this?
Fate draws together a most unlikely group of heroes:
- a minor noble who, after losing his heir in a tragic accident, is desperate to protect his two remaining sons;
- a pair of elderly rangers who are the first to learn of the deadly invaders sweeping toward the Known Lands;
- a tinker's son heading to East Gate to serve his two years of duty protecting the realm;
- an ancient elf warrior out to learn what happened to her lover Kathkalan;
- three dwarves on a secret mission to reclaim their lost homeland.
Each must overcome impossible odds if they are to find the lost shard and save the realm.
Posts
It definitely interests me. I like the way it begins. Maybe compact it a little? Yeah, I hate writing the blurb as well. I won't even tell you how many times mine are revised.
ReplyDeleteAlex, I know that second block of text looks big, but I am not sure how to cut it down without eliminating key members of the group. I'll try to think of something. Thanks!
DeleteThe second paragraph is a tricky one. Seems like too much information is there, although I'm sure it can't be dropped. Maybe you could drop at least some information, like for example "after losing his heir in a tragic accident" because I'd like to find out about that accident from the book but not the blurb. I'm not sure if you should put it as a list.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I also didn't like how awkward that part felt, along with giving away some info, but I worried that without it the readers would wonder just what exactly is causing this noble to worry about his sons anymore than any other person. That's why this is so darned hard!
DeleteFirst, I want to say that I feel your pain. I can't tell you how many versions I have written for my fantasy series. It's agonizing. As for yours: I think the first paragraph works really well. I think the second paragraph is way too dense. I got lost in it. I've done a lot of versions similar to yours and had the same problems. Recently I read an agent's blog that talked about this and I really liked one of her ideas. Maybe it will help you as well. Let me find it and I'll get back to you.
ReplyDeleteOkay, Ted, here it is: http://nelsonagency.com/blog-pitch-workshop-part-i/
ReplyDeleteUsing that, I revised the beginning of my blurb to the following:
Quyloc knows it’s a trap as soon as he hears the screams of the tortured man. Every man in the squad knows it too, including their commander, Wulf Rome. Quyloc also knows there’s no point in arguing: Rome will lead them in anyway and not a single soldier will refuse. Wulf Rome doesn’t leave men behind. It’s what his men love about him.
And it wasn't until afterwards that I tried to draw a bit of a larger picture about what is going on in the world. I hope this helps and best of luck with your writing. I am interested in checking out your novel when it comes out in May.
Eric